Something about whooping some ass…

I can’t imagine getting on an Elliptical for 45 minutes as my work out. The one time I tried, I nailed myself in the face with the stupid bar you hold on to. I also don’t care for spin classes, most workout videos, or whatever the hell Zumba is. But that’s just me. Should any of those be your thang then go for it.  You have to do whatever works for you, or you will get bored, frustrated, and ultimately fail (trust me, I’ve been there).

My thang, however, is kickboxing**, specifically Muay Thai. MMmmmMMMuay Thai! I love me some down and dirty ass kicking, head bashing, elbow smashing, name taking, ‘mama said knock you out’-kickboxing.  

I have always been a fan of kicking ass.  To this day, I will watch the Matrix (#1), Fight Club, or Kill Bill over anything else on TV.   I love Kung Fu movies, UFC fights, and the original Mortal Combat Sega game. Not to mention while growing up I spent a fair amount of time being suspended from school for being overly expressive with my fists, as did my 2 sisters. It must run in the family.

Maybe my penchant for whooping ass comes from my violent extracurricular activities as a youth.  And unfortunately, as an adult, beating people up because they piss you off is frowned upon in this society.  So that is why I decided to exert my physical transgressions through Muay Thai…So when I kick your adult ass, I’ll look good while doing it…(I kid! But it’s true)

Yo face!

The first class I took was at this little hole in the wall MMA garage down in Florida.  I almost turned around upon my arrival based on the appearance alone.  The industrial garage doors were wide open (no a/c and 90 something degrees out), a cash only sign on the door, and a sketchy looking hooker that stood at the end of the parking lot. This was as far cry from those fancy schmancy Lifetime Fitness Centers as you could get.

Some of the heavy bags were criss-crossed with duct tape. A chain link wall divided the garage in half, and held a variety of lost mouth guards  that never found their home.  There was only one bathroom (which also served as a cleaning supply closet), and variety of gym equipment from the early 90’s that sat next to a water fountain that didn’t work.  The garage next door was rented by a shitty cover band that practiced all the time (they never got any better), and next to them was a skate shop, which seemed to be the only one of the 3 that had their shit together.

However, it was at this dive, that I found something I loved to do and a place I loved to be. My introduction to Muay Thai wasn’t glamorous, pretty, or even clean. It was raw and dirty-almost-a striking homage to the gyms in Thailand.  The drills were intense, the exercises were hard, and injuries common. You could guarantee you’d go home bruised up after sparring (I busted open my lip at the first class).  And lets not talk about all the sweat swapping that would take place while doing grappling.  This was not a YMCA cardio kickboxing class.  It was an undercover ass-kicking factory that specialized in pain.  And it was only $10 for a 2 hour long class!

It. Was. Glorious.

Most people claim kickboxing is a stress reliever, but I never felt any relief from punching or kicking anything. I don’t imagine my worst enemy in front of me, or pretend I’m some sort of Ninja Assassin (well… only sometimes). I just like the sound the glove makes with a solid hit. Or when you bust out a flawless combo, and feel like Anderson Silva. I like the occasional bruises and soreness after a great class, or the look you get when people ask what you like to do for fun.

It’s been about 4 years since my first class, and I am still rocking out in the garage (my garage).  I have tried a few gyms around me, but I am afraid nothing will stack up to my first love.  I’m still looking, though, and may have to just suffer through a nice clean MMA gym with their new equipment and stupid ranking systems.

Until then, I’ll continue to practice Muay Thai twice a week for cardio as part of my Spartan training.  I put together several drills that I do on the heavy bag in the garage, as well as multiple rounds of jump rope, and shadow boxing. It’s not as good (or fun) as sparring with a partner, but it still delivers a nice calorie burn in about 45 minutes.

My custom tailored work out plan created by yours truly

On rare occasion, I can get Red out there to hold pads for me; and every once in a while, this feral kid that lives with us comes out there and gives me hell.  I am always putting new drills and ideas on my Pinterest page, as well as getting emails from Muay Thai Guy.  I’m not real sure if I am doing all this self training right, but it makes me sweat, and makes me happy, so why not?

Smile when you are kicking ass

**There are a lot of folks who get offended by considering Muay Thai as kickboxing .  While Muay Thai is a complex system of different maneuvers and styles, to someone who isn’t termed with this art-it is ultimately a form kickboxing. I am not an expert, and am not talking to other experts.  If I were, I would probably avoid the term kickboxing.  If you disagree, or are offended, you can kiss my ass ♥

Blood Sugar Sex Burpees

So I don’t go to a gym, but rather work out in my garage. My broke ass can’t afford to go to a gym, and quite honestly-I don’t have time. I know, I know.  I talked about having time-but this is a different kind of time.  Because Red is out of town a lot, it’s just me and the spawn.  If you have spawn of your own (and especially if you work), you know you’ve got homework, dinner, showers, exorcisms,etc. It leaves little time to pack a bag, drive to the gym and work out. I am literally down to minutes in my evenings.  I’m not wasting it on driving down the road, and waiting to use a sweat covered elliptical while listening to Ariana Grande on the overhead. Even if I could, there is no way I’m going to pick up the Kid from school, and then make her sit there at the gym while I work out.

So to resolve that problem, I set up my own gym in the garage. It’s hardly fancy, and a little ghetto, but it gets the job done.  It’s complete with a treadmill, heavy bag, weights, pull-up bar, stability ball, and TV. It is perfect, because towards the end of the night when the Kid needs to settle down, she can do her thing while I work out. Or if it’s early enough, she can play with the spawn across the street, and I can still keep an eye on her. It’s a win/win.  Granted I don’t have all the extravagant equipment to work on various muscle groups I can’t pronounce, let alone type. But that’s where my floor work out comes into play (more on that soon).

In addition to my makeshift gym, and my aforementioned bougie planner, I have a work out routine.  A carefully crafted plan of exercises and kickboxing drills to hone my inner bad ass. 

I don’t designate which days to do what, due to my ever changing schedule, and every now and then I will swap out a day with a work out video.

But that floor day tho…

I’ve only done it twice recently.  It kicked my ass so bad, it took me a week to recover. I literally was so sore, I felt sick the next day (coulda been the bottle of wine that night too). Maybe it’s because I’m out of shape.  Maybe it’s because I am a big wuss. Or maybe because it’s actually a good workout.  I’d like to see someone else do it and see how they feel about it.  But whatever the case, it works for me and if you are sore-then it’s working…

I also put together a running log for my treadmill runs.  See, I can’t run on pavement, sidewalks, or tracks.  I think there are just too hard of a surface. My calves will spaz out in these horrendous cramps that are so bad I end up laying in the middle of the road, hoping someone would run me over and put me out of my misery. They are no joke.  This was part of the reason why had such a hard time up till now, with working out.  I loved to run, but would get discouraged every time I’d be floored by these spasms. But, I found just this year I am able to run on wooded trails. Not pathways laid with gravel, but bare dirt trails littered with tree branches and strategically placed rocks. It’s so much more challenging (I feel) than running on the road, and for some reason, I can do it leg cramp free.  When I can’t do a trail run, I do the treadmill. The treadmill has a soft surface that also does not cause intense leg cramps or suicidal tendencies. 

This is just an extra way to see my progress on the treadmill.  I have it printed out and taped next to the work out sheet.  I just write in the stats for that run (I often average the pace since it goes up/down).  I think it’s just cool and encouraging to see where you start and how you progress.  Or it could be my OCD’ness coming out with my constant lists and spreadsheets.

Lastly on my Fitness Summit, I have my Fitness Rules. These are my personalized guidelines I use to keep myself in check for loosing weight and sticking with the program. Also, subject to change:

1. Work out AT LEAST 3 days a week for an hour each day. The more the better, but at least 3 days.
2. Do not go more than 3 days without a workout. (this is important to not fall off the wagon)
3. Eat as clean as possible.  No fast food, pop, bread, pasta, rice, milk, or obvious bad shit (cookies/ice cream/chips/etc). Limit fruit, and nothing out of a box or can, limited condiments, add lots of veggies and protein.
4. Do not eat after 7pm.  Always go to bed hungry.
5. Cheat day is once per week and planned accordingly. Eat what you want for that day-but that’s it.
6. Weigh in day is on Friday mornings and logged into MFP.
7. Log everything that passes your lips (drinks and food) into MFP.
8. Plan meals and workouts on Sunday in bougie planner.
9. Drink at least 64 oz. of water per day.

And that is about it.  I think it’s a solid plan, for me anyways. There are going to be slip ups, and uncontrollable situations every now and then that make this impossible. But I’ve done this before, lost like 20 lbs, and started getting fit.  If I can just stay with it, who know what kind of amazing shit will happen.  Now off to make another chart, or list….